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Self-Awareness and Wellbeing

Don’t Believe Everything You Think!

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Sometimes, the messages we are quick to delete do hold worthwhile opportunities A surprise invitation landed in my inbox about a year ago. It was from #The Edu 2.0 Conferences asking me to apply for an award for Recognition of Contributions to the Field of Education and Learning. This caught my attention because one of my core values is lifelong learning. It would feel rewarding to be recognized for that, I mused.  If selected, I’d fly to Las Vegas in Spring 2025 to receive the award and speak on two panels. My finger hovered over the ‘delete’ button. Had I made meaningful contributions to the field of education and learning during my 13-year professional coaching career? Pausing is Emotional Regulation I took some time to reflect and review my files instead of pressing delete to move on to manage my emails. Contrary to what I first believed, here’s what I found: I’ve coached university professors, provosts, deans, teachers, and department heads. I’ve worked with school administrators and development teams. I’ve facilitated leadership workshops for education professionals. My impact has often come one educator or one team at a time—and that matters. Their students and institutions benefit when my clients return to their schools with more clarity, purpose, and confidence. That ripple effect is real. So, I said yes. I applied for the award, and I won. I anticipated that I’d have a new and valuable experience, but what I didn’t expect was how the experience would invigorate and sharpen the rebranding journey. The Rebranding Connection Unlike our electronic devices, we don’t get a blinking update notification when it’s time to stretch, develop, and reboot. But rebranding works the same way—it refreshes our goals, integrates new learning, sharpens our messaging, and sets us up for what’s next. Two questions kept popping up as I prepared for the panels. Carol Kauffman PhD, and David Noble, in their book #Real-Time Leadership ask: Who do you want to be? What does a win look like? These are grounding and powerful questions. They remind us that by activating intention, we can have some say in how we meet the moment and can curate the impact we want to have on others. When we connect with our values and to what matters most now, we do not sacrifice authenticity. As I prepped for Vegas—with a fresh mindset, a new headshot and logo, and a new website on the horizon—I felt dressed and ready. Not just for the conference, but for whatever would come next. The decision to fill out an application for the award turned into something bigger: a sense of breaking free. There is real freedom in deciding how I want to show up and in reimagining what’s next. The freedom to shift perspectives and let go of what has been outgrown or no longer relevant opens new space and energy to innovate. When we allow ourselves to look objectively at who we are now, things don’t just look different, the way we move in the world feels different. Rebranding is a visual way to communicate those changes so the people you can help can find you. A Few Takeaways for Small Business Owners We small business owners have our identities closely tied to the services or products we provide. Refreshing your brand is a chance to check in on how your business has developed while you’ve been busy doing your job. How have you evolved professionally? What might you be overlooking? Where do you want to go next as a business owner and professional? What does a win look like? I’ve learned in a very enjoyable way, that valuable opportunities don’t have to arrive as obvious big breaks—they can start as small questions or unexpected invitations worth a second glance. When you shift your mindset, you open the door to possibilities. This kind of uncertainty and risk can actually be fun. What unexpected opportunities or invitations might be worth a closer look? Is it time to update and reboot your professional presence? Next month@bruce will be about the official launch. About This Series Whether you’re leading a team, growing as an individual contributor or business owner, or reimagining your brand, real change starts from within. A successful rebranding requires review, reconsideration, and updating of key business visual assets like a new logo, a fresh website, and an updated headshot. Rebranding requires invisible, inside work too, to meet the moment. As I navigate the rebranding of my small business, I’m sharing lessons learned along the way, not just about design and messaging, but about the deeper shifts that change demands. Lessons Learned Tip #1: Practice what you Preach: You do not have to do hard things alone unless you choose to. Tip #2: The Crucible of Change: Pace your change, move forward with integrity, and trust the process. Tip #3: Don’t Believe Everything You Think: Notice when an unlikely opportunity triggers curiosity – it may be your invitation to the next phase of your unique, professional evolution.

Change and Resilience

The Crucible of Change

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As a leadership coach, I’ve observed even the most powerful and secure leaders become vulnerable when faced with the need to change. Senior leaders might struggle to let go of old and adapt to new responsibilities and behaviors when promoted. Leaders struggle when they receive negative feedback or are passed over for a promotion; the message: change how you show up. And leaders struggle when they realize they are suddenly the most senior person at the table; might it be time to start considering succession planning or retirement? It doesn’t matter whether the change is chosen or imposed, because once you’re in it, change can be like a fiery furnace that melts away old ways of thinking, being, and doing, and transforms us into someone somewhat different. The impulse to resist the momentum of change is proof that change is underway. Turning away leads to missed opportunities and chronic discontent or dread. How well we change depends upon how well and for how long we can live with uncertainty without collapse. I have chosen to refresh my brand, for a change. It is an intimate process of examining who I am now, who I am becoming, who I want to be, and how or with whom will I engage. As I write to share the journey with you, my thoughts turn to the communities affected by the greater Los Angeles fires and the individuals undergoing unwelcome, extreme collapse of their communities, identities, and security. Initially, I felt almost embarrassed comparing their existential crisis with my angsty professional development. Yet this very discomfort reveals something important about the experience of change: whether chosen or thrust upon us, it always involves letting go of what is familiar, standing on unstable ground, and facing an uncertain future as sense making begins. It is uncomfortable because we cannot escape the limitations of our humanity. Unlike our robotic and AI partners, we expend emotional, intellectual, and physical energy on managing our reactions to situations and people. We know that the human brain processes threats to social standing and professional identity using the same neural pathways that process physical danger. When we perceive a threat, the amygdala triggers a fear response, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline into our system. This is why some individuals become paralyzed by or resistant to the prospect of professional change, even when they are safe. The brain’s threat detection system is not nuanced enough to distinguish between physical and social threats. That is up to us to do for ourselves by intentionally slowing down our internal system, becoming more mindful, gaining perspective, asking questions, and understanding whether or how to respond. The change I have chosen comes with the luxury of time to reflect and develop a sense of agency and purpose. For Los Angelenos, the blistering pace of change leaves them with a sense of powerlessness and loss of control, increased stress, and anxiety. They will never be the same. Some will bounce back stronger, and some will not. I am wishing I could fix it for them, yet I know that cultivating mindfulness, resilience, and adaptability in the face of uncertainty is the work of self-leadership, and of leading others. Both are necessary to navigate through unfamiliar and unforgiving periods. Professional transformation can be hard. As I practice what I preach as a coach, I ask: Why is it important for me to undergo a brand refresh? Why now? What would be a great outcome? Who am I now? Who am I becoming? Who do I want to be? How will others see this change? How do I want others to see it? What is important for others to know? How would I describe my ideal client? How can I make it easier to be found by the people whom I could help? Sheryl Sandberg spoke powerfully about facing uncertainty after her husband’s sudden death. She quoted the mystic Baal Shem Tov, “Let me fall if I must fall. The one I become will catch me.” In other words, It may not always feel like the process has earned our trust but trust it anyway and meet the opportunities that emerge. No matter how big or small the transformation, a familiar part of you will be there, too. About This Series Whether you’re leading a team, growing as an individual contributor or business owner, or reimagining your brand, real change starts from within. A successful rebranding requires review, reconsideration, and updating of key business visual assets like a new logo, a fresh website, and an updated headshot. Rebranding requires invisible, inside work too, to meet the moment. As I navigate the rebranding of my small business, I’m sharing lessons learned along the way, not just about design and messaging, but about the deeper shifts that change demands. Lessons Learned Tip #1: Practice what you Preach: You do not have to do hard things alone unless you choose to. Tip #2: The Crucible of Change: Pace your change, move forward with integrity, and trust the process.

Social Connection and Networking

Conformity

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In conversation with a leader, an observation was made that she and others needed a disruptive employee to conform. The leader became angry and offended by the suggestion that she would want or need any of her individual team members to ‘conform.’ It made me wonder, when and why did the notion of ‘conformity’ become so inflammatory, while its synonyms – belonging, congruity, harmony, kinship, consensus, teamwork, unanimity, unity, like-mindedness – are considered desirable, even aspirational? Being a non-conformist implies individual empowerment to choose and the courage to go against the norms. Non-conformist behavior is lauded and protected in individualistic western societies (especially in the USA). Energized non-conformity inspires many Americans to choose to not wear face masks in the midst of a highly contagious, deadly, viral pandemic. Ironically, non-mask wearers are conforming with the social norm of valuing personal liberty over the risk of infection and even death. Would those same folks insist on using their unprotected hands to flip sizzling burgers on the grill, or refuse to wear warm clothes outside when the temperature falls below zero degrees Fahrenheit, or insist on driving on the wrong side of the road against traffic? Why do non-mask wearer activists feel virtuous indignation? Why do some leaders procrastinate on principle until it affects them personally or politically? Non-conformity within an organization can often lead to conflict and leaders seek training for themselves and their teams on how to manage conflict. In contrast, there is less curiosity about how to manage agreement effectively. Try Googling ‘agreement management’ then ‘conflict management.’ The inability to manage agreement well leads to the Abilene Paradox: The Abilene Paradox can be stated succinctly as follows: Organizations frequently take actions in contradiction to the data they have for dealing with problems and, as a result, compound their problems rather than solve them. Do you feel validated when gaining other’s approval, even when you know that what you choose to say or do is uncomfortable for you? We are social beings and are inspired by other individuals and movements; that is natural. How often do you stop to consider whether the tradeoffs you have agreed to make are the ones you would make in the absence of pressure to choose? What are your choices telling you about the power of the social conventions or codes you promote? And, can you take time to pause order to consider other points of view or the consequences that could flow from your choice to conform or not to conform? In essence, conformity and non-conformity are the same; it depends upon which group you join and promote. What would you do if no one were watching? If you were required to walk through an enclosed chamber known to be infested with mosquitos and you had the choice to wear personal protective equipment to shield you from those bites, would go in unprotected or wear the equipment? If your child or beloved returned from the hospital with a compromised immune system, would you enter the room if you had the flu and were coughing? Lau Tzu said, At the center of your being you have the answer: you know who you are and you know what you want. Why squander the power you have to choose what is natural and appropriate for you? Conformity is not always bad; involuntary, unconscious, or fear-based conformity or non-conformity is often a betrayal of self. Self-awareness, empathy, and the fortitude to choose to honor your personal values is a liberty we are free to exercise and often give away to others. Beth Masterman, President Masterman Executive Coaching, Inc.

Change and Resilience

Resilience and Human Nature

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What if you knew you would emerge from a difficult challenge stronger, wiser, and even more resilient than before? How would you feel knowing the instant you become aware of possible disaster that the decisions you make will be the right ones? If you are a leader who enjoys what you do and who wants to be resilient, then read on. This article is for dedicated and purposeful leaders who want to face adversity with realistic optimism, agility, and resilience for themselves and for those who depend upon them in uncertain times. When danger looms, a leader’s role and responsibility is to grasp the situation and then provide credible, current, factual information. Also, people will turn to their leaders for compassion and a way forward. This article offers five pathways for finding and filling your reservoir of resilience when you need it most. The technique is based upon a metaphor to remind us that we are part of the natural world and deeply in sync with its five elements: Earth, Water, Air, Fire, and Ether. These elements were once thought to make up everything. To be sure, our understanding of the universe has become more nuanced and sophisticated, but these elements remain unchanged, are part of who we are, and hold a message for us about human resilience. The American Psychological Association (“APA”) defines resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress; it involves “bouncing back” and personal growth from these experiences (APA, Feb. 20, 2020).” Resilience can be developed and lead to a better quality of life, stronger focus, composure under stress, better memory, and more impactful leadership.[1] The choice is yours. With practice, you can develop deeper resilience and show up as the morale-boosting, skillful leader you want and need to be, or instead, you can bow to the hardship, to your fear of making mistakes, and hold on tightly to hope that the problems will all just go away. There will be Pain If you are alive, there will be pain and suffering. Resilience will not shield you from pain but will reduce the depth and duration of the suffering. In fact, it is impossible to truly know how resilient you are unless circumstances provide you the “opportunity” to struggle and suffer for your values, or for your own (or the organization’s) survival. Peril is everywhere; are you ready? Consider the following five mindsets to help you navigate disruption and build resilience. Earth: Get Grounded You have to be grounded to bend with or remain resolute in the presence of risk and ambiguity. “Every frightening event, no matter how negative it might seem from the sidelines, has the potential to be traumatic or not to the person experiencing it. The experience isn’t inherent in the event.”[2] It resides in how each person perceives and construes its impact. Imagine a German Shepherd barking and running directly toward two people, one is a dog lover and the other is not an ‘animal person.’ Given that not every person (leader or team) will perceive a threat from an identical challenge, it follows that there must be an opportunity for choice after the stimulus and before the response. The moment may be fleeting, but in that microsecond, there is freedom to choose how to respond. You may not be able to choose your first reaction, but it is possible to develop the ability to deescalate, to become aware of available options, and to make an intentional choice about what to do next. The resilient person will choose their role to play and the attitude with which to approach what is happening.[3] When self-awareness and situational awareness[4] replace impulsivity or habit, better decisions are made. When you are grounded in your values and strengths, you can confidently open your mind to assess options, opportunities, and include others’ opinions. Notice your discomfort then pause; label the feelings if you can. What are you focusing on? What do you believe about the challenge? What if your assumptions are wrong? Your thoughts and conclusions made in the heat of the moment are not necessarily your best, so the sooner you notice your first instinct and regroup, the sooner you can return your focus to the present, and then decide what you can control, what to do next, and which aspects of the situation will require more time or information before acting.[5]  As the force of gravity reliably holds us fast to Earth, so will the force of our experiences and quieted intuition guide us in our assessments of what is happening now, and how it affects us, our teams, our organizations, the stakeholders, and the vision set to be our guide. Air: Breathe to Reclaim Your Brain When a challenge feels like a threat, the triggered brain jumps to the rescue with the fight, flight, or freeze response. In that state there is no time to think, breathing becomes shallow, the heart rate accelerates, and the sole focus is on survival. In most cases our lives are not at stake and it would be more helpful to all concerned if we were able to reclaim our brain and heart to face the threat energized and with calm, clear, strategic thinking. Decades of research confirm that mindfulness improves performance, heightens memory and focus, fosters innovation, and enhances likability.[6] At any time, by turning your attention to your breath, slowing it down, and inhaling and exhaling more deeply, you will slow your heart rate and ignite your ability to reason, notice, and respond intentionally to what is both new and present. There is a reason why airlines instruct caregivers to first put on their own oxygen masks before helping others. It’s all about intentional focus on breathing fresh air in and out before acting. If you are already breathing, you are halfway there: “Bring your full attention to your breath. Don’t try to control it — just sense the full breath in and the

Ideas for Coaches

Executive Coaching with ‘What if?’ – Regrets, Paralysis, and the Learning Edge

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Alex walked into the room and sat down with a bright smile that soon faded to a look of concern. “How would you like to use our time together today?” I asked. Alex responded, “I am really struggling with my new direct report because she talks to me in what I think is an incredibly unprofessional way. We are short on people, her work is good, and she is needed now; my hands are tied.  Still, I am her boss and I’m put off by her attitude! I went into her office, she looked up at me and snapped, ‘I’m so busy! How can I possibly take on more now? I’m still doing all the things you already gave me!’ I stood speechless, like frozen, and then walked out. I don’t know what to do. Something has to change.” The coaching session could go in many directions from here, but in this piece let’s just consider the question “what if.” Coaches are trained to ask powerful questions to elicit responses that raise awareness, lead to incremental next-steps, and the achievement of desired results. When used well in coaching, “what if” takes a client to their learning edge and supports confident action. “What if” also activates intuitive intelligence, breathing new dimension into the challenge. However, when used incorrectly, “what if” can highlight regrets about the past,  may reinforce whatever is in the way of progress, and can choke off the promise of new insight. The Learning Edge “What if she spoke to you in a professional way, what would that look like?” Asking “what if” takes you from the mindset of fixed opinions and conclusions to an awareness of other options and possibilities. By activating the intuitive mind “what if”  allows you to play with ideas and keeps you from getting bogged down in rational analyzation.[1] Alex’s paralyzing emotional reaction to her direct report’s words made me curious about what “professional’ and “unprofessional” mean to Alex. “What if she spoke to you in a professional way, what would that look like?” invites Alex to examine her assumptions and expectations. Through answering the question Alex may be reminded that expectations between people are – in most cases – subjective. To inspire curiosity and ignite learning, this ‘what if’ question invites the client to reevaluate the situation, thought habits, and the ‘theories’ she carries with her about how things should proceed.  Alex can develop emotional agility[2] to help her maintain composure and a separation among what is happening, how she feels, and how she will choose to behave. As a composed leader, she could use the moment to find out more about Alex and provide meaningful mentorship, instead of fleeing while feeling personally offended. When small details about a difficult experience and one’s state of mind are isolated and explored, the client becomes aware of the ways in which they have participated in creating their own experience. When expectations are so fixed that they become unconscious habits, we begin to assume that we know how situations will or should play out.  Coaches can elicit the self-reflection that prompts continued development toward greater leadership. Now let’s look at unhelpful ‘what if’ questions that foment regret or reinforce fear. Regrets “What if it were possible for you to have seen this quality in her during her initial job interview?” The focus of coaching is to open up the mind to address the here-and-now and use it as a springboard to a desirable future; a ‘what if’ question that asks a client to alter or judge their past is not helpful. “What if it were possible for you to have seen this quality in her during her initial job interview?”  blames the uncomfortable present on a decision that was made at another time. If Alex had known that she would have ended up in this situation, she surely would not have hired that employee! This ‘what if’ pulls the client into defensiveness, shame, blame, regret, and into the past. A question that focuses on the here-and-now experience might be: “You said you felt speechless. What if you were to speak? What would you say?”  This question specifically targets the observable behavior that robbed Alex of her leadership. The question encourages Alex to formulate viable alternatives to speechlessness and to see things from a point of view other than indignation. By articulating for herself what would also be possible, she begins to expand her repertoire, and her ability to choose how to show up. Every struggle offers us opportunities to choose our reactions and bring about the most desirable outcome from among the multitude of potential outcomes. Paralysis “What if you told her to stop being unprofessional?” With this ‘what if’ the coach jumps straight into the client’s drama. “What if you told her to stop being unprofessional?” asks Alex to imagine fighting back and deprives her of a chance to notice difficult emotions as warning signs of growing discomfort. Once noticed, there is an opportunity to intentionally deescalate – practice self-acceptance and compassion –  before indignation and paralysis set in and take over rational thought. Pema Chödrön, a well-known American Buddhist and author, dedicates her life to service. She has observed: “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”[3] Challenges that elicit inner discomfort are invitations to understand ourselves better so that we can step ever more confidently into what comes next. Good leaders develop the ability to be in conversation with their reactions before, during, and after experiences and encounters with others. Good leaders let their emotions inform them and do not let their emotions become who they without intention. [1] Seale, Alan, Create a world that works, Tools for Personal & Global Transformation, 2011 Red Wheel/Weiser, Books:  (Kindle edition page 129, Location 2411, 2415) [2] David, Susan, PhD. EMOTIONAL AGILITY: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (Avery, 2016, Hardcover & Ebook) [3] https://pemachodronfoundation.org , https://www.shambhala.com/authors/a-f/pema-chodron.html.

Social Connection and Networking

Belonging Inspires at Work and Play – Musing from My College Reunion

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Setting out to I attend my 40th college reunion, the dominant feeling was anxiety-laced anticipation. Looking forward to seeing friends and familiar places I still felt unsettled.  Would people be happy to see me? Would I feel authentic joy upon seeing others? Who would I hang out with between events? While walking to registration on Friday with my husband I said, ‘I really don’t like these things.’ On Sunday as we drove away, I said to my husband, ‘That was so amazing, I loved every minute!’ How does anxiety turn into confidence, worry into peace of mind and heart, uncertainty into clarity, and fear of isolation into love and community? In one word: belonging. Perhaps trite, but still true: the days are long, the years are short and so the shared existential shock of forty years gone by inspired a new level of community and ‘knowing’ among classmates. I was reminded of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs[1]. Belonging is a basic motivator experienced as a hunger for friends, a romantic partner, affection, a place in one’s group. Maslow said that, “thwarting of these needs is the most commonly found core in cases of maladjustment and more severe psychopathology.”[2] My belonging needs are generally satisfied and I still experienced flutters of that primal drive to be embraced by my classmates. We social creatures are physically and strategically safer when we are part of a group with a common purpose. Most of us spend the majority of our days until retirement at work. And, I submit to you, that school is also developmentally appropriate work. How do you feel when you walk into the office in the morning? Do you anticipate with trepidation what might happen next? Or are you enthusiastic and curious about what lies ahead? Do colleagues greet you with true kindness or with courteous indifference? Will you create, collaborate, and collectively celebrate achievements? Or will you dread another meeting with individuals around a table who find their smartphones or the invisible voices in their heads more captivating than the matters at hand? What needs to shift within or around you, to release the energy needed to engage in and to enjoy what you are doing together now? Back to the reunion. A classmate secured a weekend Airbnb for seven of us who were friendly with one another to varying degrees over the four years of college and thereafter. At breakfast each morning, we discussed our plans for the day, talked about whom we had seen; who seems amazing, and who seems troubled.  By living together during reunion, we felt like we belonged together. When we saw one another during the course of the day at seminars, passing on the street, or at parties, we always had a welcome place to stand. Belonging to the small group provided an emotional anchor from which we could float freely and independently throughout the weekend. Do you have an anchor group or person at work? Who are the constants there for you, the ones you can count on during the day? The ones who will tell it to you like it is and you will listen because you trust them?  Who cares about you?   There are several behaviors and emotions we must check at the door when we enter our workplace, but we cannot fully shed our human need for connection. Without it, good performance, good health, and high morale are unsustainable. If you are leading a team or an organization, watch for the people who remain more isolated than the rest. Their assignments or their personalities might be well suited to being alone for long periods, but self-sufficiency is not the same as social isolation and a long-term social fast can lead to marginalization, accelerated burnout, and disengagement. Fostering connections is not a waste of precious time and the benefits are measurable. Former United States Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy, M.D., M.Sc., strongly recommends, in an article published in the Harvard Business Review “that companies should foster social connections as a strategic priority.” [3] Lonely workers are unhealthy. Social isolation and lack of social support are associated serious, health consequences, including: greater risk of cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety, compromised immunity, and shortened lifespan. If that isn’t persuasive enough, Isolation in the workplace is costly. The mental and physical effects of social isolation lead to higher costs for sick leave and health insurance claims. And the opposite is  also true, positive social relationships strengthen productivity, enjoyment at work, and employee retention. When we started college in 1975, the rules of engagement were largely about getting an excellent, rigorous, liberal arts education to prepare  for life’s complexities,  challenges, burdens, and blessings. Forty years later and beyond,  the reunion’s rules of engagement are to show up and bear witness to the remarkable fact that we have changed a lot on the outside (some more than others) and still recognize in one another the deepest qualities that have stayed the same. It is from that stable core that our relationships continue to evolve, we share our journeys, and we belong together as classmates in our hearts and minds. Beth Masterman is and executive coach and the Founder and President of Masterman Executive Coaching, Inc. She helps individuals and teams see the invisible walls that hold them back and cause discomfort for themselves or othersTogether they seek to identify achievable ways over, around, or through so her clients can to reach their objectives – with enjoyment – at work. [1] “A Theory of Human Motivation” A. H. Maslow (1943) Originally Published in Psychological Review, 50, 370-396. https://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Maslow/motivation.htm [2] ibid [3]Vivek Murthy, Work and the Loneliness Epidemic , Reducing isolation at work is good for business,  https://hbr.org/cover-story/2017/09/work-and-the-loneliness-epidemic

Ideas for Coaches

Permission Over Presumption

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A good communicator can have and lasting impact in the workplace. This is true for leaders, team members, and between individuals when something important or difficult is to be discussed. We know through personal experience that when we speak with others, our intentions and message can be received and interpreted in as many ways as there are listeners. And still, we presume we know a great deal about what listeners will hear, how they will feel about what we say, and how they will react to how we communicate.   One of the hallmarks of effective communicators is that they put assumptions aside and consider what, how, and when to communicate. “Reading the room” is one way, for the experienced and intuitive speaker. Another approach is to ask for ‘permission’ and thereby reduce the chance for misinterpretation and drama that can derail relationships and purpose. Instead of presuming, pause and ask permission for certain communication acts, or inform others about what to expect. Doing so in a good-natured way and using words you are comfortable with will augment mutual understanding and accelerate trust-building.   What do I mean by asking permission? Does it sound overly formal and unnatural? If so, think about the following turns a conversation can take and how communication could be improved if we knew what to expect: When we interrupt one another; When we repeat ourselves or go on tangents; When we disagree and challenge each other (point out inconsistencies or make corrections); When we express heightened emotions (anger, tears, aggressive silence);  When we give and receive feedback.  Permissions Before the meeting or conversation begins, consider asking the following questions: Interruptions: When something feels urgent during our discussions, should we let one another finish or should we give each other permission to interrupt? At the beginning of a new coaching engagement, I ask this question and have received different responses. Some clients have said “no interruptions” because they themselves have a problem with interrupting others and they’d like to practice listening more patiently.  On the other hand, clients have also said that they don’t care if we interrupt one another. If there is something that either one of us wants to finish, we can simply say, ‘can I finish this thought, first?’ Interruptions are common, and many people cannot contain themselves when they believe they have a great idea. Still, interruptions can be annoying or even rude, especially if you are speaking with a person who values letting others finish. Just by asking this question, you show respect and awareness that you or others might expect to speak without interruption. Repetitions and Tangents:  If one of us goes into a topic already covered or gets lost in the details, do we give each other permission to say that we want the ‘bottom line?’ In other words, please to get to the point. Details…details…Some people love them, some just want the gist.  Some people can grasp a concept almost immediately while others want or need detail. How many times have we found ourselves listening to meandering stories intended to highlight a simple point? How often does someone not realize that relevant details and facts are already understood? It is difficult to let the other person know because cutting someone off in mid-sentence can seem rude and disrespectful. So, we choose instead to let valuable time tick by and we judge or disengage. By acknowledging this common communication bottleneck up front, you can mutually agree not to be offended when asked to move on so that the discussion can progress; “bottom line, please?”  Disagreements, Challenges, Corrections: In our conversation, do we give each other permission to challenge and disagree with one another without offense being taken? How do we want to do that? In business, there is bad conflict and good conflict. Bad conflict arises when there are unresolved disputes or major disagreements between team members, other coworkers, or with management. Bad conflict can also be present in silence when people are offended; some will withdraw, and secretively share negative gossip with others. Productive conflict comes when parties and the culture allow challenges and disagreements to be voiced. But be careful how and when you challenge. While some people are comfortable with being challenged out in the open, others are not. It’s better to find this out as early as possible in the relationship or life of the team. Let’s take an example of a colleague who has risen through the ranks of a company. One day, she was out at lunch chatting about various topics with her peers, co-workers, and work-friends. The next day she is promoted and most of those same individuals become her direct reports. Awkward? Yes. Opportunity for personal and organizational development? Absolutely! When you become your colleagues’ boss, familiar impromptu deskside chats about “what are you working on?” could be perceived as micromanagement or lack of trust.  You know in your heart you are the same person regardless of your title, but when you call your work-friend to your office, where there was once anticipation among friends (peers) of a good visit, now there might be a good bit of anxiety. In the eyes of your new subordinates, you are not the same. In this example, if there is repression of the discomfort it will fester and lead to resentment and dysfunction. By addressing the shift directly and swiftly, the ‘new normal’ will begin to take hold in positive ways. If it were known that the direct report could respectfully express to her former peer, ‘I know you mean well, but I feel like you’re checking up on me now that our roles have changed. Things could shift. It might not feel good to get that feedback, but relationships at work will change and we have to let go and develop new ways of relating for the benefit of the organization.  Emotions:  This meeting/conversation might become challenging, how should we handle it if it gets uncomfortable? Should we take a break? Forge ahead? Reschedule? We all have those days when our emotions are easily triggered. Some days,

Self-Awareness and Wellbeing

Are You Stuck? Why Stay?

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Inertia Why do you stay? Why don’t you say something? Has anyone ever asked you those questions? I bet they have. And I bet you’ve asked others, including yourself, one or both. The fact is, we all stay in situations that we no longer have the use for, that we no longer belong in, or that cause stress and even fear. Inertia, Newton’s first law of motion states that an object at rest will remain at rest and an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by some external net force (that is, a push or a block). A big challenge for humans is that we are not just objects, we have both inner and outer forces holding us in place or setting us in motion. Let’s consider a timely subject. There is an awakening happening today, in terms of people reporting inappropriate sexual assault or harassment in the workplace. Many people wonder, “What took them so long to say something?” Or, “Why did they stay?” While there is not one answer, it is easier to understand if you ask, “what stopped them from leaving or speaking up?” How strongly does paralyzing fear hold a person in place? What perceived to be more powerful external forces block the exit? When asked, nobody in the #MeToo movement says, “I stayed because I loved my job, it was a great place to work, the people were so friendly; just sometimes too friendly.” Instead, we hear comments like: o  I didn’t think my voice was important or would make a difference. o  I didn’t want to explain things, I was too ashamed. o  I was afraid of what would happen to me after he said, “I will kill you, don’t think I can’t.” o  I was just starting my career and I was afraid that I would never get another job like this one, especially if I was fired or quit and refused to say why. Fear, shame, uncertainty, self-doubt, are weighty internal anchors. Add to that the belief that your pain is your problem and not important enough for anyone to care about; nobody ‘out there’ will help. Or, the belief that “they” would judge or punish you. Those beliefs about the cold external world are perceived forces pushing hard against empowerment to exit. Even if those beliefs turn out to be true, it is possible that there are ways to work around or move on past them. The fact is that many of us get stuck in far less fraught circumstances. It could be something as simple as not being able to start a new project at work or something more complicated such as leaving a job you don’t like or a relationship that is empty. Part of being stuck is not trusting the truth of your own voice; it is the one muffled underneath the stories we tell and confirm in our own heads about what everyone else would think or say or tell us. Sometimes, we really believe with absolute certainty that we can predict the outcome. It is also possible that we don’t even know which voice is our own. The irony is that the voice that is most committed to our survival and well-being is our own. We are biologically and neurologically wired to save ourselves. For me, I had a number of potentially great careers. I have practiced law, worked in government and in government relations, and earned a master’s in psychology. I went to law school in part because my father is a lawyer and highly regarded in every aspect of his life. I value him as a role model and parent. In my twenties, I wanted to be successful in the way he was. Many people said, “you are just like your father; you should be a lawyer.” I liked hearing that, so I believed them, even though I was more motivated by things I was learning and experiencing in a different field. Did I like law school and the practice of law? Absolutely. But in retrospect, had I valued and listened to my own voice, as opposed to inflating the importance and correctness of what others were telling me to do, I would have chosen another career. What got me stuck and pulled me increasingly further off my path, were the consequences of my capitulation and the situations that followed. It just kept getting more complicated each time I made a decision within a decision that was off the mark. My choices just felt wrong on the inside but, admittedly, did look sound to others on the outside. Powerful circumstances and expectations grew around and within me, that held me in place. How do we get unstuck? In my opinion and based on my experience with change, you get unstuck when you recapture the wonder, curiosity, and joy you once felt when you did the things you liked to do the most and you did them well. Whether it was school, work, sports, music, people, research, or staring at the stars, that capacity for delight and curiosity still exists within. If your days are empty or unfulfilling, if your job makes you feel undervalued and fatigued, then question those inner voices, remember what you enjoyed most, and revive those feelings in order to get moving again. As adults, it is time to parent ourselves, encourage ourselves to be courageous enough to make changes that enable us to express our best selves. Take another look to find out who you are, have a sense of humor and adventure, then accept what you find, take responsibility and stay on that path. We can learn to work within our limitations instead of living a life defined by them. When I left my job in government relations, I told everyone that I was going to get certified and start an executive coaching practice. And of course, I heard skepticism, surprise, praise and “good for you for making such a big change.” The thing is, it wasn’t a surprise to me and I didn’t experience it as a big

Social Connection and Networking

If You Want to Be Trusted, Be A Bull

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Knowing how to create and keep great client relationships is key to a successful business. Trust is the strongest link in the relationship value-chain and it is easier to break than to forge.  Some people trust more readily than others, but we all scan for danger at every turn. We notice patterns and pick up on signals. We recognize change, weigh possible outcomes and risk. When we trust others, we count on their actions and advice to help us manage life’s uncertainties and disappointments. Trust opens the way for collaboration, reciprocity, long-term connection, and heightened expectation of positive outcomes. All clients (and potential clients) truly want to trust their advisors but, consciously or unconsciously, are hesitant. By practicing the Five Bulls of Trust you will establish a durable bond required in all successful client relationships.  The Five Bulls Available, Dependable, Accountable, Personable, and Reasonable (ADAPR) 1. Be Available: Be present, attentive, and engaged in the immediate communication. How well you listen with sincere effort to understand what the client wants and why it matters is a key measure by which clients gauge whether you care. No one trusts a person who doesn’t show interest in their concerns. A few easy ways to show that you are available and that your client matters are:  At the outset, inform the client (or potential client) of exactly when you will and will not be available and your preferred method of communication. Answer communications promptly and fully. Return emails and calls that day, even if it is to let someone know that you received the message or when you will be available to talk. Steadfastly adhere to schedules and respond when promised.   2. Be Dependable:  Can I depend on you? That is a question clients ask and it must be answered in the affirmative before they will trust. Being truly dependable requires both honest assessment of clients’ goals and follow-through.  If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you are going to be somewhere, be there.  If you are performing a task, be prepared to put in the work necessary to perform at your maximum ability. Dependability is also an ethical commitment to remain true to who you are, to your expertise, and your level of ability. Your client must be able to depend upon the advice and strategy you offer to mitigate their fear of the unknown. To build trust, you must honestly disclose whether or not the client’s goals can be achieved, the risks, and the full range of possible outcomes. Have confidence to say to your client (and to yourself) “I can deliver on most of those things, but there may be some things that you want that I cannot, or will not do.” Know yourself, honor your limits, and uphold the integrity of your business.  The result will likely fall within the range you described and trust will grow. Over-promising, failure to follow through, and unpleasantly surprising outcomes will quickly undermine and destroy trust.  3. Be Accountable: You must dread the possibility of letting your client down and be willing to do everything in your power to succeed convincingly.  Put your word and reputation on the line and ask yourself before you say “yes” to accepting the work, “Am I really willing to give them my time, my effort and commitment to deliver the best results possible?” If you are in doubt, then say “no.” Holding yourself accountable requires having a clear and mutual understanding of what is expected from you during the course of the engagement. You must honor your agreements and take responsibility for failure, delays, or changes of plans. If or when you err, promptly and fully disclose the error to the client and own it. No excuses! To be a valuable and trusted advisor does not mean perfection, but it does require ongoing honest reflection and true-up with yourself and your client. 4. Be Personable:  You can like your work and not like or be compatible with every one of your clients. It is professional and respectful to treat all clients with the same courtesy, civility, and kindness even if you don’t feel warmth towards some.  Find the right balance for the person you are working with by being present and calm, curious and open-minded, and driven by the realities of your task at hand. To build trust: Notice your feelings, accept them, and adjust your demeanor to suit the situation so that you can get the most out of the time you have together. Take time to observe and learn the client’s communication style; ask open-ended questions then watch and listen carefully to the replies.  Make sure you understand what your client needs and why it is important without getting distracted by the messenger.  Be a human being. Your clients will not trust you and your capabilities if you are always coolly rational, in control, and an unemotional, detached fact finder.  Even if you are known to be the best at what you do, you will be better when you deliver your expertise with humility, empathy and humanity.  5. Be Reasonable: Remain clear minded and objective to be able to see the big picture, assess the situation, offer guidance, and set reasonable expectations. If you’re coming into a situation steeped in passion, or angst, or even overly enthusiastic, you’ve already picked a side.  When presented with a client’s needs, the professional often has an idea or strategy to secure a “win.” However, the “win” may not be what the client wants or can tolerate financially or emotionally. When choosing a path or advising a client, the trustworthy professional will base their opinions and advice in sound reason considering all the facts and circumstances in the client’s best interest. That reasonable posture still allows plenty of room for empathy and compassion, creative problem solving, and agility in the face of the unexpected, and preserves and solidifies trust.  Need help remembering the Five Bulls of Trust? All clients want to trust their advisors.  A professional who wears the Five Bulls of trust to every meeting is ADAPR (a dapper) BULL.  Be… Available, Dependable, Accountable, Personable, and Reasonable (ADAPR) *** Ellen Enkel, To Get Consumers

Self-Awareness and Wellbeing

Are You Job Hopping or Seeking Professional Development?

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If your resume or personal story leads potential employers to label you a “job hopper,” it’s not a good thing. In 2014, a report was released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics showing that between 1998-2011, individuals between the ages of 18-26 held an average of six jobs for men and 6.3 jobs for women. If these numbers are the average, then someone might reasonably assume that having more than six or seven jobs within a 13-year period could be job hopping. Behind the negativity of the job-hopping label is a concern about your character, maturity and value. Maybe you lack the ability to follow through, or you do not know how to be a team player or commit to a purpose bigger than yourself. A potential employer might wonder whether there will be a reasonable return on the investment in you if, shortly after training, another opportunity entices you away. As a job hopper, you are also a higher-maintenance employment candidate because your history places a greater burden on the potential employer when vetting you and checking your references. Some employers will just not want to spend the time having to verify any doubts since there are a lot of worthy candidates out there. How self-aware are you? As the fields of executive and team coaching grow, there is wide agreement that the most effective leaders take the time to develop a practice that enhances self-awareness. A job-hopping history raises curiosity about whether you know who you are, what you are good at, and where you can make a meaningful contribution. Smart companies know that self-aware employees are crucial: They are better at building relationships with others, they are better at managing themselves and creating positive impacts on their environments, and they often know how to adjust communication to optimize effectiveness. Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?Ask yourself: Is a lack of self-awareness the reason you continue to search for the “right” fit, where you can make a long-term contribution? But change is normal, isn’t it? Experience and curiosity are invaluable assets in most industries. For most people, the path to finding a rewarding, long-term career is not a straight one. Many employers understand this, especially if you are re-entering the job market after a change in direction and trying to build experience. The trick for you is to find a balance between curiosity and commitment. Take the time to think about what you do well and what you enjoy doing most. Being engaged and productive at work sometimes is the best way for new opportunities to find you. If you are self-aware, you will notice when these opportunities appear. If your story of change is a coherent one that emerges from an engaged effort to develop and express your talents, then you are not job hopping, you are enjoying the lifelong commitment to your ongoing professional development and honing your skills. Published in: Forbes Leadership

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